Please just let me be me / Poem by Nutan Sarawagi

Poem by Nutan Sarawagi
 
 
Please just let me be me
 
You think I am brilliant
Which I am anyway not
brilliance lost in it’s own sunshine
a heart beating without a heart
to set my mind to rest
to test myself of all the things
I know I may have said
 
do I really mean what I say
or is it just to cover myself
from the sinking feeling
which never lets go
sinking down my heart
 
the shadows of depression
that never leave me
the haunting feelings which
forever haunt me
only to taunt me
that I know too much
or at least pretend
to know too much
 
I have a lot of learning to do
and unlearning too
before I rest myself in peace
making peace with myself
telling myself that I have a long way to go
before I set myself to rest
without any protest
 
I hate myself I know
want to destroy everything I know , not know
taking down with me the little or nothing that’s left of me
sinking it deep within me
 
I sink
not letting go of myself
I think
then why do I want to die
just another pretense to lie
that I don’t want to live
when I am actually DYING..to LIVE
 
I say I am not afraid of death
it’s the biggest lie to myself
why I am afraid of telling the truth
believing in half measured truths
I am tired of testing myself so much
selling myself to others’ for not much
they don’t know what I want
 
I just want to rest in peace
to be alone with myself
where even I cannot find myself
 
Can you help me
 
I am a liar to the core..who believes in no one
hurting others to save myself
in the bargain hurting everyone
 
what’s my problem ..I don’t know
no harm to me has anyone done
then why am I not bleeding myself
instead of bleeding others’ to death
why don’t I get a life
before I destroy others’ lives
 
who has given me this right
 
it is MY ‘I’ which protests
but no one..can take it away from me
and replace it with thee, for anyone is better than me
in this game of being one
I have already lost , no one has won
I just want to be one
with thee !
 
Oh god please help me
 
I want to believe in thee
but my reasoning , just does not let me be
for if I don’t exist..then how can you be
 
so both of us let’s die , like stars in the sky
in another day we shall live
where life will be a distant dream
where only you and I will live
that day I shall await
when you will be one
with me !
 
until then please let me be
I just want to rest in peace
please just let
me be
me.
 
Copyright @Nutan Sarawagi 2014
 
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