Grief / Poem by Ana TOMA

 
Poem by Ana TOMA
 
 
Grief
 
I have left behind my childhood, youth, and half of my life
To the point of following my man in another continent
away from everyone.
I’ve tried hard to balance the feelings of my past:
I took a deep breath, looked up at the stars,
and tried to hide in the skies chest.
I’ve left behind his artificial smile, in Europe, when we first met
We were young. Eventually, he was evil and wanted me so bad.
I’ve left behind his everyday promises to raise our children with love
In return, I had to miss his presence and raised them all alone.
I’ve left behind his unexpected anger when he first hit the dining room wall
I’ve left behind his unacceptable behavior when he was chasing me,
holding large knives in our marital home.
I’ve left behind his louder laughs when he was drunk and bored.
I’ve left behind the sweet nickname, constantly calling me honey
As a wife, I got brainwashed and saved all his money.
I’ve left behind pretty nightdresses, favorite perfumes that he smelled on my body
I’ve left behind my famous hairdressers when changing hair colors
every two months or three,
trying hard to open his heart to the beauty, helping him see me.
I’ve left behind all the spa places when relaxing after an intense day
I’ve left behind the entire life stresses when talking to my children,
concerned about their drama play.
I’ve left behind the horrible smell of his cooking years as a chef,
I’ve left behind the ways he slept as soon as he sat in our bed.
 
I’ve left behind his genuine joy when he first became a father
I’ve carried in my veins the heavenly feeling of being a mother.
I’ve left behind his hugs, wet kisses, and endless nights of lovemaking
Not knowing that he was a serial cheater, having sex with strangers.
 
I’ve left behind his excuses of every day long working hours,
I’ve left behind the Valentines’ gifts and unexpected weekly flowers.
I’ve left behind all the bad memories and purple bruises on my body
I’ve left behind my love for him the moment he deceived my trust
I’ve left behind the morning songs of birds when they were chirping outside.
 
I’ve left behind all his lies when he was leaving early for work
I’ve left behind all his manipulations when he used our children,
(especially our son)
 
I’ve left behind all the sickening feeling when he claimed that I was his only woman,
I’ve left behind all the guilt when thinking of myself as I might have gained weight,
Meanwhile, he was over two hundred fifty pounds, acting like a snake.
 
I’ve left behind all the crossing fingers when we were holding hands.
I’ve shredded all the photo albums along with memories saved.
 
I’ve left behind all my marriage years as they never existed
In addition to rescuing my children and me from his unpredictable sick mindedness.
 
©️Ana TOMA
Jan. 26, 2022

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