Marian Eikelhof (Netherlands)

ATUNIS

Marian Eikelhof (Netherlands)

 
Marian Eikelhof is a poet who works in her daily life as a psychologist. Her work inspires her to write about the emotional aspects of life. Not only she describes feelings of love, intimacy and desire, but also she reflects about states of profound sadness and feelings of emptiness. On the whole she criticizes dehumanisation and an ongoing process of alienation in human relationships. Marian’s poetry book “ a zero hour contract with life” has been translated from Dutch into English and Turkish. She writes in several prestigious magazines and is a peace activist defending humanity by attending poetry festivals in Europe and Latin America.
 
 
I am an autistic boy
 
It will be enough for me
look into your eyes,
so full of unexpected emotions,
for only a few seconds
in order to observe the turmoil
deep within,
discover it’s multiple disorder disguises,
hidden agendas and untold secrets
amidst the dark mirrors of your goals.
 
So very tender is the soft embrace of
your presence even when we share only the couch,
even though we don’t talk.
 
Don’t look me in the eye
for a length of time
I will explode feeling powerless
without warning
In whatever context, randomness
I’ll destroy all on my way.
 
Full of tenderness
yet desperate
don’t push me over the edge
my beloved guide
I might have other ways
of looking at things
of coping
not to frustrate you
make you feel sad.
 
If you trespass the boundaries of my structures,
break into my safety zone,
with dogshit all over your shoes
and carelessness,
I’ll never come back
not in the farthest universe
You’ll see me return.
 
My love isn’t silver
My heart is golden
I am an autistic boy.
 
 
 
Scary
 
Birds still die in your violent silences
no longer sing in the poison of your hatred
losing their wings, their self-esteem
Like me.
 
It’s scary being always the last person in a row
It’s scary when they make your name swim in blood
It’s scary when you’re forgotten
It’s scary being always the last person in a row
It’s scary when they make your name swim in blood
It’s scary when you’re forgotten
It’s scary not to be invited to the party
It’s scary to be less appreciated, less loved, less preferred
It’s scary to be rejected
to be dispensed, eliminated, isolated
not loved
It’s scary when they laugh at you
It’s scary being humiliated
feeling powerless
crippled by gossip, the third person
on the bus of your youth, sitting alone
life forever without safety belt
It’s very, very scary to be terrorized.
 
 
 
Me 2
 
Had to rub my flesh until it bled
remove his fingerprints
desinfect
the stains on my soul
and in my head
trying to deal with his irony,
his bacteria, his wickedness
all over my body and
deep inside of me
my universe vomits, hates my feminity,
feel like stoned with prejudice, disbelief;
“tell me, honey,
just a tiny dress, late at night,
sharing your personality, id, privacy…
when you are supposed to be
pure and innocent
why even look at him?”
 
had to clean myself
from this memory
how he just laughed
then
choked me.

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